Today’s post is a bit more personal than most. It’s the start of what I hope will be a more open and honest relationship with those of you reading my site.
This past fall I took a few risks in my business. My my monetization and income sources changed pretty dramatically – for the better. I was tuning into my fav Alicia Keyes tune multiple times a day. I felt like the world was at my feet and I was on FIRE.
I was so excited I decided to use “this girl is on fire” as the theme for Snap.
I didn’t realize that my flame would be dangerously close to burning out by the time April rolled around…
In the midst of conference planning, my life changed irrevocably. My relationship ended. It wasn’t something I expected, nor was it my choice.
I am blessed to have a career that I love and a family in the Snap community, but “my boys” were truly my whole world. It broke my heart to loose them and I quickly spiraled downward into a deep, dark depression. I was overwhelmed with feeling unworthy and not good enough for anyone or anything. It was bad.
One and a half months before Snap, I found myself faced with regular panic attacks about being on stage. I was concerned enough that I started making arrangements to have close friends back me up if I couldn’t manage to get up in front of everyone at the conference. Not being able to get a handle on some of the abilities that have always come naturally to me was terrifying.
I needed help, but I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my inability to remain in control of my life (and still do to an extent). Luckily, I have a great family, close friends and a church leader who stepped in to keep the storm that was raging around me from overwhelming and extinguishing my flame. At their urging, I was able to get the help I needed to start the healing process.
After Snap I stepped completely away from business, the blog and social media to concentrate on healing my soul and ridding my life of the situational depression that was weighing me down. I know my absence has been noticed and I appreciate all of the messages and comments over the last month and a half.
Having said that, I realize that blogs aren’t what they used to be and many of you aren’t daily followers. You may not have noticed that I’ve been missing, because you pick up posts here and there from Instagram, Facebook or Pinterest – that’s part of the reason why I am sharing my story with you today.
The images typically shared on social media are the best of the best. They’re the result of several dozen shots, instead of the one candid moment they appear to be. There are influencers who post about luxury while deeply in debt, people who post about how “in love” they are with their spouse when the marriage is in real trouble and individuals with thousands and thousands of followers who are lonely and depressed.
It was hard to share my internal struggle with strangers when I first sought help for my struggle with situational depression and it’s difficult to share my situation with you now. I hope it reminds you that what you see on social media (or on stage) is filtered. In real life everyone struggles with something…even if it’s behind the scenes.
If YOU’RE struggling whether it be with depression or something entirely different, reach out, get help and know that everyone can identify in some way…
As for me, I am grateful to be living a more balanced life. I am easing back into work and will be here on the blog more frequently moving forward. I hope to keep things a bit more real as I do so, because mine is a life far from perfect.
Stick around and join me on a journey as I relocate to a new home for a fresh start. I’ve got Alecia Keyes ready to roll once again and have loads of fun posts and projects to share about my new house – Westfield Place.
Cindy Jenkins says
June 13, 2016 at 7:20 amI’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, Tauni! You are an amazing and seriously talented person in so many ways! It’s been fun watching your journey for the now many years I’ve known you. You’ve brought so much to the blogging world and helped so many bloggers along their journey too. Thank you for all you do! Lots of love & good vibes your way, sweetie!
carolyn | homework (@carolynhomework) says
June 13, 2016 at 8:24 amBig hugs Tauni. <3
Charmaine McLaughlin says
June 13, 2016 at 9:39 amThank you for sharing your heart today! I know this will help many who are experiencing something similar and I believe God will bless you for helping them! I too have suffered the same kind of depression and you are totally right, help is ALWAYS there for the asking? And for those who need a glimmer of hope today, you are a lovely example of moving forward. Many blessings to you as you move forward and many blessings as you begin your new life in your new home!! It’s adorable!!
Angie Holden says
June 13, 2016 at 10:09 amCongrats on the new home and the fresh start. I knew something wasn’t right. I hope you are feeling better and are in a better place. If there is anything you need ever, you know where to find me. Hugs to you my friend. I am praying for continual healing.
jen hadfield says
June 13, 2016 at 10:41 amYou are amazing Tauni. As someone that has been through depression and still suffers from it I know how hard it is to function when you are feeling low. I think moving is going to be a wonderful new start for you. I can’t wait to see what this next chapter brings for you!!!
xoxoxox
Jen
Kara (Creations by Kara) says
June 13, 2016 at 10:49 amSo sorry you have had to walk such a rocky road. I love and admire you and am excited for this new chapter of your life. I hope it holds all of the blessings that you truly deserve. *hugs*
Kristie says
June 13, 2016 at 11:04 amI’m so sorry you have been going through this trial! I’m so glad you have friends and church leaders to support you during this hard time. I don’t know you personally but I see that you are someone who lift others and loves to encourage other people. That is such a beautiful gift. So remember all your divine traits and goodness if a negative thought comes your way. I hope things start looking up and I appreciate your honest post. Sending love!!!!
Christy says
June 13, 2016 at 11:18 amBest of luck with your new home and new adventure!!! So sorry to hear of the struggle that the last several months has been, but the one thing I know about you is that you are STRONG and can do hard things! So proud of everything you’ve accomplished! We haven’t talked forever but I watch you from afar (well, over social media – I promise I don’t stalk you!) and am incredibly impressed! Go Tauni!!!
Sam G Thomason says
June 13, 2016 at 11:22 amI really appreciate you taking a risk and sharing this with all of us. I’m wishing you a speedy healing and I hope your new home helps jump start you in the right direction. Hugs!!
Katie says
June 13, 2016 at 11:51 amI’m sorry you’ve been going through this! Looks like a cute house for a new start! I know those boys appreciated everything you did for them, and you are amazing. We really need a cousin lunch!
Maria says
June 13, 2016 at 1:37 pmYou are amazing!!! xo
smhinckley says
June 13, 2016 at 3:30 pmLove this post. It really is SO easy to get caught in the comparison game. We try to empower each other but sometimes reading about other’s successes just makes you feel down right depressed about your own life. I had no idea what you were struggling with. I wish more people would share their struggles along with their successes in blog land. It’s so much more relatable. Love you and everything you’re about. Hugs and prayers.
Jeanie says
June 13, 2016 at 3:35 pmHugs to you! Thank you for sharing – I know it wasn’t easy but I’m sure it will help a lot of other healing hearts. Congratulations on the fresh start and new home.
Kathy says
June 13, 2016 at 3:39 pmHang in there. You’re doing a great job.
I completely empathize with you.
Thank you for sharing your story.
A little over 4 years ago I struggled with sever post-partum anxiety. The thought of leaving the house for anything would trigger a migraine or an attack.
The morning of the first Snap conference I woke up with a migraine and had so much stress over going to snap. That say was one of the hardest days for me. I couldn’t stay for the dinners and could barely attend the classes.
Jen West says
June 13, 2016 at 3:44 pmYou’re such an amazing person! I was so happy to get to know you better when we were in Atlanta this past October. The one thing I learned is that you are STRONG SMART AND BEAUTIFUL inside and out. I wish I lived closer to give you hug, but here is my virtual hug. {{{hug}}} None of us are perfect and are all far from it. I sometimes liken blogging and social media to watching a movie or reading a book. It’s a lot of great storytelling? You are an amazing person and I know you are emerging from this even stronger than before. I can’t wait to see what will be next for you. ?
kleinworthco says
June 13, 2016 at 3:48 pmTauni- it’s so hard, these things we go through. I felt so deeply in April that I just wanted to pack you in the car with us & bring you back home here. Just to give you a change of scenery. I know the house will be heeling in & of itself. I love you dearly & I hope you know just how special & irreplaceable you are in my life!
Tisa Jackson says
June 13, 2016 at 3:52 pmThank you so much for sharing. I knew I had not seen much of you lately but wasn’t sure why. Your new place us super cute, can’t wait to read more. Your bravery to share this speaks volumes.
Crystal @HelloCreativeFamily says
June 13, 2016 at 4:10 pmYou are amazing and an inspiration. Thank you for keeping it real and sharing a story so deeply personal with us. Sending you big hugs.
Angelina-JoJoandEloise says
June 13, 2016 at 4:21 pmI know we don’t know each other that well, but if anyone was to ask, “Do you know Tauni?” I would say, “UGH YEAH!!!! She’s a good friend of mine ;)” LOL!!! My heart goes out to you and It took so much strength and courage for you to share something so personal here on your blog. I am so sorry for your pain but I am looking forward to seeing you be the Girl, ON FIRE again!!! Your new home looks ADORABLE!!!!!! Hugs to you, Friend!!! XOXOXO
Funky Junk Interiors - Donna says
June 13, 2016 at 4:35 pmSo sorry for everything you are going through, Tauni. It’s the hardest journey you will ever take.
But wait till you catch a glimpse of what’s on the other side… the brand new you will astound you!
Your new home is GORGEOUS! I see the glimmer already…
justtyra says
June 13, 2016 at 4:42 pmTauni! Thank you for sharing and being so brave! Congratulations on the next chapter in your life and I hope you get the best rest, peace and joy! HUGS to you xoxox
Samantha T says
June 13, 2016 at 4:51 pmTauni, I have so much respect for you. You were absolutely missed, but I knew that there must be a good reason for your absence. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and will add you to my prayers. We are often so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. I am so glad that you are doing any and everything you need to to get back to a healthy place. Your new place looks super cute, and I wish you the best of fresh starts there and years of wonderful new memories!
Deborah says
June 13, 2016 at 5:00 pmOh Tauni, I am so sorry to hear of your pain! Prayers and hugs!!! You are indeed on fire even when you don’t feel like it! Many blessings to you.
stacyrisenmay says
June 13, 2016 at 5:05 pmI love you Miss Tauni! Your new house is ADORABLE!!!!! You’ve got this 🙂
Jillene @ "inkhappi" says
June 13, 2016 at 5:34 pmThis is so inspirational to me. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 It’s not easy always putting on the happy face when you are struggling and it’s nice to see someone get real and share their experience. I’m so glad you are moving forward in a positive way. The house is darling and I hope you enjoy many happy times there! Sending (((HUGS))), prayers, and best wishes your way.
Kat@Home. Made. Interest. says
June 13, 2016 at 5:45 pmThanks for sharing this Tauni. I had noticed your absence but I figured you would let us know when you were ready to talk about it. In the little time I have gotten to spend with you you’ve been a huge inspiration to me and I wanted to take a minute to tell you what a beautiful person I think you are inside and out. I’m so glad you have had friends and family to support you and that you have been able to take time out to work your way through this and make your way back to us. Keep taking care of yourself and know there is one more shoulder here for you to lean on if you need it!! Hopefully I will catch up with you at a conference soon.
Emily says
June 13, 2016 at 6:39 pmYou have definitely been missed. A LOT. You are always in my prayers. I am so excited for your fresh start!
Lacey says
June 13, 2016 at 6:47 pmBig big hugs for you Tauni! We all go through these extremely hard things in life but there is always a bigger, brighter future on the other side of it! I had the hardest year of my life last year with a sick child in and out of hospitals. But things are finally looking up! and wow it’s so much sunnier on this side than it could have ever been had we not gone through that. I know you’ll continue to bless and inspire many with your incredible talents! Thanks for sharing your struggles! And thanks for a fabulous Snap Conference : )
Jo-Anna says
June 13, 2016 at 7:25 pmTauni I’m so very sorry for what you have been going through. I’m very thankful that you have a strong support network around you. Keep taking care of yourself…we’ll all be here with you.
Pretty Handy Girl says
June 13, 2016 at 8:03 pmFirst, a big virtual hug to you my friend. Second, I’m so glad you wrote this post and shared your soul with us. I’ll be thinking about you and can’t wait to see that adorable new home of yours.
hertoolbelt says
June 13, 2016 at 8:04 pmOh Tauni, you are one of those beacons that I look up to…and you’re not suppose to have problems, isn’t everything suppose to be blissful for role models? You have really been missed. I’m excited for you to have a fresh start and new adventures! Your new house looks adorable.
Amy Smart says
June 13, 2016 at 11:15 pmBig hugs to you Tauni. ?? I admire your courage in sharing something so difficult and personal. Thank you for all you do for so many others – your hard work has blessed my life and others. Know there are many people pulling for you. xo
fynesdesigns says
June 14, 2016 at 5:32 amSo sorry to learn what you’ve been going through, but happy to hear your lifting your head and getting a fresh start… in the cutest house eva!! THinking of you, this year starting a new business I’m feeling some of the same struggles.
Kari Sweeten says
June 14, 2016 at 6:50 amLife can really bite sometimes. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through because every situation is so different, but know I’m pulling and praying for you. I can’t believe you were going through all of this while putting a conference together. Wow. You are stronger than you think you are! I love reading the kind, uplifting comments and not-so-perfect experiences that are being shared here (another reason why I love this supportive, blogging community). I hope you find peace and lots of good news around the corner!
Annette Belnap says
June 14, 2016 at 9:30 amHi Tauni, I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize with you as something similar happened to me years ago. I’m so proud of you for getting help and realizing what you needed to get better. I’m so happy you are on the mend. I would have NEVER guessed that you have nerves when you get in front of a crowd because you are a natural at it. Keep on going on!
marjiekemper says
June 14, 2016 at 1:38 pmThanks for being so open and sharing your true story, Tauni. I really appreciate your bravery and encouragement to all others who may be struggling to find help in getting through the hard times. Wishing you all good things in your new journey.
Lindsay says
June 14, 2016 at 2:55 pmYou have certainly been missed, Tauni! You are an extraordinary person and I really appreciate your bravery to open your soul to us all. Depression can be so debilitating, and I have always struggled with asking for help. Your new home is beautiful and I can’t wait to hear more about it. Love you!!
Brooke Anderson says
June 14, 2016 at 7:31 pmTauni! Oh how I miss you! Whenever I am around you, you build me up and make me feel like I can do anything. I have always admired how polished and put together you are and how amazing your hair is. You have all the makings of a really stuck up person, except you are super kind and friendly and can relate to everyone! Know that I miss you and love you and would love to get together for lunch or something ????
Debra Quartermain says
June 16, 2016 at 3:15 pmThank you for sharing Tauni, brave, honest, vunerable. What a journey, life can send us reeling with loss and grief. So glad you are putting a new path together and sharing what is real and from the heart.
Wishing you all the very best to come.
Debra
marissa | rae gun ramblings says
June 17, 2016 at 12:11 amSO many hugs friend you have definitely been missed. I hope your new home is a great fresh start.
Laura / Pet Scribbles says
June 17, 2016 at 9:20 amSending you a strong virtual hug for your candid sharing of what you’ve been going through this past year. Wow. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure all of that – but – I’m also VERY happy that you’ve been taking time off and taking care of you! Self care is most important, especially as you are one who makes sure to always take care of everyone else. I am LOVING your new home. There will be happiness there, and it will be filled with love and joy. xoxo
thistlewoodfarm says
June 19, 2016 at 11:53 amJust know I adore you.
End. Of. Story.
karianne
Wendy Byde says
June 28, 2016 at 9:55 amYou are amazing for stepping up and sharing with us. I can’t wait to follow along with your newest adventures.
Sarah McKenna says
July 1, 2016 at 12:51 pmOh goodness — I am so sorry to hear about the hell that you have been dealing with!! Depression sucks, and I sincerely hope that you will xo to ie to heal with the passage of time. You’re an amazing woman!! xo